Take it, leave it or change it

March 9th 2024
I arrive now more and more at my quiet place at Havelland where I wanna spend my creative  freetime.

It is interesting because I wait the whole time if I miss Berlin when I am here. But the opposite is taking place. Whenever I sit in the train and have passed Wannsee, Potsdam and Werder I take a deep breath and my system is slowing down. I don't know what would happen if I would stay here 100% without my room what I still have in Berlin because I still work here in presents 3-4 days per week and don't want to make this 2 hour train ride twice a day. So I can step into citylife and being able to attend an event or meeting people whenever I want. 

But I realize something has changed inside myself, my perception and priorities I set. And because my son is a young adult now and starts to live his own life, I have the chance to build a new way of living, deciding consciously what I want and what feels good to me. No false compromises. I appreciate my new freedom.

Freedom is another keyword in this context. When I settled down in Berlin in 2001 I did that because I really felt free here. And this inner freedom and feeling to be at the right place was always my connection to Berlin  since my early childhood in the 70ies and 80ies when my aunty lived in a living community in Western Berlin in Charlottenburg and I visited her regularly with my mum. Remember the transit by train took 4 hours. 

But when I reflect this now, it is exactly this feeling what is fading. I don't know when but it's gone. Or let's say, Berlin is not that special place for me anymore. It's nice but nothing I get a special energy from. This feels heavy and strange to me now.. I persist this City more and more as stressy with a cold atmosphere,  also very dirty. And on the other hand many people who settled down in Berlin the last years  fullfill a certain way of living, a strange optimized life style. I feel surrounded by a certain coolness and superficiality what is absolutly the opposite to this authenticity and pureness what has drawn me to this place.

Actually I find many things boring and often things feel so "made" to me, don't know if someone can follow..haha. And I know already some people roll their eyes now and think, hell ya, then just leave us!

I never expect this would happen. One could say I get old, haha, but I don't have the feeling that this is the point. I know how it is to feel old. I was at this point at the end of my thirties when my son was a small kid and when I quit all my music actions in a very rigid way and with a lot of grudge inside. I felt like a shell in that time and was empty and in a 100% functional state. In that time I felt old and grey. Guess I had a depression. 

But I have recovered from that totally, actually my present feeling of live is like before my motherhood started. Only with more life experiences, hopefully..

No, the point is, that I was digging so deep the last years..inside myself and around myself, to find out what feels coherent and consistent to me. And during that process some things changed inside.

I had always this feeling inside myself not belonging somewhere - my whole life. A deep pain, what I was feeling physically very often. Lost. And I used to fill this lack and pain with my identity of living in Berlin I guess.  Like so many here, with this a bit narcisstic attitude, as if you are something special only because you living in Berlin. What kind of bullshit! 

This feels so stupid to me but can't blame nobody cause I was like this also I guess,  especially when I came here in 2001.

Now, I am just who I am, whereever I am, I am the same person. If I am mixing music and chatting with other music nerds about it, if I am with my son or I am the teacher in front of my students - I am the same person with the same values. I feel very ok with that now. And sorry to say that, I see more and more, that people aren't authentic, with a fake identity. Or even toxic behavior,  saying this and that but acting totally different. Smile in your face and talking behind your back. So please, if you don't like me, don't smile at me. I don't do this either. Something what I never did. My smile is and was always honest.... I repeat, I don't want to blame anybody. We are all humans. Unperfect and full of mistakes. 

But actually I am longing more for people who live their life from which they are considered of. With this take it, leave it or change it mentality. Without complaining and blaming. Who take responsibility for themselves. 

I know this is not easy. You have to be brave and reflected for it. And loyal to yourself.  What is not egoistic,  it's to come into your potentials where you can do the best things in live. But honest and consistent. . I guess, I always had this no compromise attitude, with a bit rebellion  flavour and also expected this from others.  I wasn't able to betray myself. And I can feel when someone is not happy and doesn't live the life he/she wants. 

when I was young I had to stand circumstances what wasn't good for me at all, and as I know myself now, I don't wonder, that my body and mind was dissociated all the time from so many feelings. It was like I was running away from myself..by running away from feeling alive... That's why I can't remember so many things and was feeling numb very often in that time. I worked these things out. It took me decades and much practice in many ways. And now there's no way back anymore. If things don't feel right I am not able to do them. But if I am considered, nothing can stop me and you can count on me 100%. But I'm not an easy living person. not at all.

People who I feel a deep connection to are the ones who tell what they think and stand for their integrity. But very rare those ones. I am very happy that in my school (I educate adults in social work) I'm working together with that type of mankind, I'm very glad for that. And that's why this place is very special to me. And the fact this is in Neukölln is not important. Maybe only for the different kind of people who are studying here, and maybe also learn a bit about themselves in that time while we are guiding them. It's my foundation for all the other things I can do. Doing music for example. At my quiet place soon after settled here fully with my equipment. So things could be worse. I am greatful for that. Feeling blessed.