On Visibly & The "Upper Limit"
(auf Deutsch scrolle nach unten)
In music, and especially in Dub, we work extensively with reverb and space. We send a signal into the depths, wait for the echo, and shape the space the sound inhabits. But what happens when we start taking up more space ourselves? When the resonance no longer remains within the closed system of our own privacy but becomes visible to the outside world?
Recently, I stumbled upon a thought that has stayed with me: it’s about that moment when a process of healing—or personal growth—begins to bear fruit. You’ve done the inner work, taken new paths, and suddenly, success arrives. The things you’ve wished for begin to manifest into reality.
And exactly in that moment, when the door begins to open, an impulse often arises: to shrink back.
The Consequence of Presence
Visibility is a double-edged sword. As long as you stay "under the radar" or let others take the lead, you remain in a safe comfort zone. You don’t make waves, you don’t provoke resistance, and you remain protected from resentment or envy.
For someone like me, who was used to hiding my light under a bushel, visibility often feels like a threat. It means enduring the consequences:
- Attracting attention that isn't always benevolent.
- Withstanding disharmony when you no longer please everyone.
- Taking up the space that actually belongs to you.
When the Body Pulls the Brake
I’m noticing that this process isn’t just mental. When self-doubt kicks in because of a fear of your own "magnitude" or the next big step, the system reacts. Exhaustion and fatigue are often the silent companions of these inner thresholds. It feels as if the body is trying to throttle the energy to restore the perceived safety of invisibility.
During these phases, I find my grounding primarily in simple actions and in nature. This is also why I hardly spend time in Berlin during my days off; instead, I am grateful to have created a creative space for myself in the Brandenburg Havelland region.
Being right by the Havel river, feeling the stillness of the water, or simply sitting in the sun on the balcony—these are the moments that regenerate me. It is a conscious path away from performance and toward being. Preparing a meal or tending to small DIY projects are more like accompanying, meditative gestures rather than chores. They bring me back to the moment and into my body—far away from the waves made by the outside world.
Leaving the Door Ajar
Perhaps this disharmony is simply part of the arrangement. Visibility doesn't mean that doubts disappear—it means learning how to handle the resonance without immediately retreating back into the shadows. I will likely need to grow a thicker skin.
It’s about maintaining your posture: forcing nothing, but leaving the door ajar for what is to come. Even if it means being suddenly seen and perceived.
The Current Quality of Time
We are currently in a time that is heavily focused on authenticity vs. conformity. At least, that is how I perceive it. Our environment, the scene, and the collective are pushing us to find our true role, even if that means letting go of old hierarchies or the need to "fit in."
In my opinion, it is important to engage with spiritual and emotional depth during this process. This allows us to give structure to our dreams and our art—enabling us not just to let our "light" shine, but to anchor it firmly.
The exhaustion many are feeling right now might be a sign of transition: an old self that found safety in invisibility is saying goodbye, while a new self is still learning how to channel the energy of visibility, take responsibility, and stand its ground. Grounding oneself in daily life is exactly the right way to slowly untie this "visibility-anxiety knot" without overwhelming the system. It is important—socially as well—to show one's face and to create space for one's own potential.
Über die Sichtbarkeit und das "Upper Limit"
In der Musik, besonders im Dub, arbeiten wir viel mit Hallräumen. Wir schicken ein Signal in die Tiefe, warten auf das Echo und modellieren den Raum, den der Sound einnimmt. Doch was passiert, wenn wir selbst anfangen, mehr Raum einzunehmen? Wenn die Resonanz nicht mehr nur im geschlossenen System der eigenen Privatsphäre bleibt, sondern im Außen sichtbar wird?
Vor kurzem bin ich über einen Gedanken gestolpert, der mich sehr beschäftigt hat: Es geht um den Moment, in dem ein Heilungsprozess – oder eine persönliche Entwicklung – Früchte trägt. Man hat innere Arbeit geleistet, neue Wege eingeschlagen und plötzlich stellt sich der Erfolg ein. Die Dinge, die man sich gewünscht hat, beginnen Realität zu werden.
Und genau in diesem Moment, wenn die Tür beginnt sich zu öffnen, kommt oft dieser Impuls: Zurückschrecken.
Die Konsequenz der Präsenz
Sichtbarkeit ist eine zweischneidige Angelegenheit. Solange man „unter dem Radar“ bleibt oder anderen den Vortritt lässt, bewegt man sich in einer sicheren Komfortzone. Man schlägt keine Wellen, man provoziert keinen Widerstand und man bleibt geschützt vor Missgunst oder Neid.
Für jemanden wie mich, die es gewohnt war, das eigene Licht eher unter den Scheffel zu stellen, fühlt sich Sichtbarkeit oft wie eine Bedrohung an. Es bedeutet, Konsequenzen auszuhalten:
- Aufmerksamkeit zu erregen, die nicht nur wohlwollend ist.
- Disharmonien auszuhalten, wenn man nicht mehr jedem gefällt.
- Den Raum einzunehmen, der einem eigentlich zusteht.
Wenn der Körper die Bremse zieht
Ich merke, dass dieser Prozess nicht nur mental stattfindet. Wenn die Selbstzweifel einsetzen, weil man Angst vor der eigenen „Größe“ oder dem nächsten Schritt hat, reagiert das System. Erschöpfung und Müdigkeit sind oft die stillen Begleiter dieser inneren Schwellenängste. Es ist, als würde der Körper versuchen, die Energie zu drosseln, um die vermeintliche Sicherheit der Unsichtbarkeit wiederherzustellen.
In diesen Phasen finde ich meine Erdung vor allem im einfachen Tun und in der unmittelbaren Natur. Das ist auch der Grund, weshalb ich mich in meiner Freizeit kaum noch in Berlin aufhalte, sondern froh bin, mir einen kreativen Space im brandenburgischen Havelland geschaffen zu haben.
Direkt an der Havel zu sein, die Ruhe des Wassers zu spüren oder einfach nur in der Sonne auf dem Balkon zu sitzen – das sind die Momente, die mich regenerieren. Es ist ein bewusster Weg weg von der Leistung hin zum Sein. Das Zubereiten einer Mahlzeit oder die Pflege kleiner DIY-Projekte sind dabei eher begleitende, meditative Handgriffe als Pflichten. Sie bringen mich zurück in den Moment und in den Körper – weit weg von den Wellen, die das Außen schlägt.
Die Tür einen Spalt offen lassen
Vielleicht gehört diese Disharmonie einfach zum Arrangement dazu. Sichtbarkeit bedeutet nicht, dass die Zweifel verschwinden – sie bedeutet, dass man lernt, mit dem Widerhall umzugehen, ohne sich sofort wieder in den Schatten zurückzuziehen. Ich werde mir vermutlich ein dickeres Fell zulegen müssen.
Es geht darum, die Haltung zu bewahren: Nichts erzwingen, aber die Tür für das, was kommt, einen Spalt offen zu lassen. Auch wenn es bedeutet, dass man plötzlich gesehen und wahrgenommen wird.
Die aktuelle Zeitqualität
Wir befinden uns gerade in einer Zeit, in der es stark um Authentizität vs. Anpassung geht. So empfinde ich es zumindest. Das Umfeld, die Szene, das Kollektiv drängt darauf, dass wir unsere wahre Rolle finden, auch wenn das bedeutet, alte Hierarchien oder das „Sich-Anpassen“ aufzugeben.
Wichtig ist meiner Meinung nach dabei, sich auch auf spirituelle und emotionale Tiefe einzulassen. Dadurch kann unseren Träumen und unserer Kunst eine Struktur gegeben werden – es hilft dabei, das „Licht“ nicht nur scheinen zu lassen, sondern es stabil zu verankern.
Die Erschöpfung, die viele gerade spüren, könnte ein Zeichen für den Übergang sein: Ein altes Ich, das Sicherheit in der Masse und der Unsichtbarkeit fand, verabschiedet sich gerade, während das neue Ich noch lernt, die Energie der Sichtbarkeit zu kanalisieren, Verantwortung zu übernehmen und Stellung zu beziehen. Das Erden im Alltag ist genau der richtige Weg, um diesen „Angst-Sichtbarkeits-Knoten“ langsam zu lösen, ohne das System zu überfordern. Es ist wichtig – auch gesellschaftlich – Gesicht zu zeigen und für die eigenen Potenziale Raum zu schaffen.
Moments of Light ’n Darkness – MLD Compilation 2026
Jamaica Aid Edition
The MLD Compilation 2026 is on its way.
14 tracks
Various anonymous artists
Release date: February 6, 2026 (Bandcamp)
Listening session: January 25, 9 pm (Berlin time) on Bandcamp
https://sai-mld.bandcamp.com
The MLD Compilation series is rooted in dub and its echoes: dub, dubtechno, ambient, electronic and experimental music, connected by a shared sonic attitude rather than by genre boundaries.
Following the first MLD Compilation in 2025, which was created through an open call with contributions from more than 30 artists, this new edition again functions as an open creative space. All participating artists remain anonymous. This is a conscious decision: the project is not about promotion or individual profiling, but about focusing entirely on the music. Anonymity allows stylistic freedom and encourages uninhibited experimentation.
This release is a Jamaica Aid Edition. Although Hurricane Melissa struck Jamaica some time ago, its consequences are still being felt. Recovery and rebuilding take time, and continued support remains meaningful. In recognition of the deep cultural connection between Jamaica and dub music, all proceeds from the MLD Compilation 2026 — as well as all future sales of the MLD Compilation 2025 — will be donated in full to an organization supporting relief and reconstruction efforts in Jamaica.
This compilation is intended as a small but conscious gesture of giving something back to a country that has been a profound source of musical and cultural inspiration for so many of us.
I will provide information soon about where the money is going.
Stay tuned! ✨
It's all about facets of Dub
MLD Compilation is representing Dub, Dubtechno, Ambient, Ellectronic, Experimental and everything inbetween with a connection to the Dub Sound. To all producers who feel related, you can send your track to [email protected] from now. Deadline is 31th Dec 2025 - 23.59 h
Find all infos below..
About the principles of MLD Compilation 2026
Given the devastating impact of Hurricane Melissa on Jamaica and the deep cultural connection that dub music has with this island, I'd like to put together a new MLD Compilation beginning 2026 and donate every cent earned from the MLD Compilation series—including future purchases of Compilation 2025—to a relief organization supporting aid and reconstruction efforts in Jamaica. It's a symbolic gesture to give something back to this small country that has been such a great source of inspiration for so many of us.
Here's how you can participate in this project:
- sent your unmastered track to [email protected]
- until 31th Dec 2025 - 23.59 h
- no fx / effects on the master cannel
- 6DB in WAV
- with your trackname
- all tracks will be mastered from one hand for a consistent sound
- it shouldn’t be released somewhere else
- important: the artist names stay anonymous
The first MLD Compilation in 2025 was released on my Bandcamp with contributions from more than 30 artists via an open call. This compilation will be an open creative space again. All artists will stay anonymous—just like last time. It's not about promotion or profilistic self-presentation, so you won't know which tune is from whom. Whether you're unknown or celebrated in your scene, the focus is 100% on the music. All participants remain anonymous, which allows for stylistic freedom and uninhibited experimentation.
Your contribution would be much appreciated. Let's do it!
Best Regards
Sai - MLD
Guest Mix with Q&A interview for Etui Records
I feel very honoured for the opportunity to do a guest mix for the appreciated podcast series from Etui Records! You can listen to it here:
Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/etui-records/etui-podcast-50-sai
Youtube: https://youtu.be/ODO7_3gJNB4?si=5iiQsPrtIGaWz6la
I also did an interview with some Q&A's what you can find here:
https://www.etui-records.de/etui-podcast-50-sai/
Actually I have to correct a statement what I proclaimed in the interview because I said, that I never had a similar physical bass experience like the club night with Stone Love in Jamaica..in Grangehill it was in 1997...where the sound was so loud, that the people were partying on the street while the club was empty.....this I said before I went to The Bug's pressure night in Berlin Club Gretchen for the first time last Saturday..where the Sound System broomed out everything out of my body, hehe...so now I had a similar bass experience..and not the last one, I guess...if you read the interview you will understand the context better...
I also want to add something about soundsystem culture in Jamaica how I got to know it inthose days: one of the reasons why those systems played so loud at Club events was that normal people could not effort to pay the entrance ...too expensive..actually similar prices like club events in Europe, crazy!...so, they turned it on. Result: Clubs empty because you coudn't stand it but everyone skanking on the street outside. Great! ...that was differently from the local soundsystem parties at the corny island places with local DJs...what were organised for the youths in december ...don't know if that still exist in the present time...
Q&A Session with Eric Fenessy a.k.a. Lava Brain
I did a mix for 'Triple Vision' on @area3000 radio, and Eric Fenessy a.k.a. Lava Brain did some Q&A's with me. He also presents a very nice selection before my set starts. The whole show is worth to follow, which you can listen back on soundcloud.
You can find the link for the mix and my answers here, also to foolow Eric on Soundcloud:
https://www.lavabrain.com/music-words/triple-vision-sai-berlin
April 21th 2024
This weekend so many great things happened in Berlin and it took me several sleepless hours, if I should stay and join them. But at the end I took the choice to go ahead on tresure island .. .
Here you find some impressions from the last weekends. It really feels like a powerful place to me.
Take it, leave it or change it
March 9th 2024
I arrive now more and more at my quiet place at Havelland where I wanna spend my creative freetime.
It is interesting because I wait the whole time if I miss Berlin when I am here. But the opposite is taking place. Whenever I sit in the train and have passed Wannsee, Potsdam and Werder I take a deep breath and my system is slowing down. I don't know what would happen if I would stay here 100% without my room what I still have in Berlin because I still work here in presents 3-4 days per week and don't want to make this 2 hour train ride twice a day. So I can step into citylife and being able to attend an event or meeting people whenever I want.
But I realize something has changed inside myself, my perception and priorities I set. And because my son is a young adult now and starts to live his own life, I have the chance to build a new way of living, deciding consciously what I want and what feels good to me. No false compromises. I appreciate my new freedom.
Freedom is another keyword in this context. When I settled down in Berlin in 2001 I did that because I really felt free here. And this inner freedom and feeling to be at the right place was always my connection to Berlin since my early childhood in the 70ies and 80ies when my aunty lived in a living community in Western Berlin in Charlottenburg and I visited her regularly with my mum. Remember the transit by train took 4 hours.
But when I reflect this now, it is exactly this feeling what is fading. I don't know when but it's gone. Or let's say, Berlin is not that special place for me anymore. It's nice but nothing I get a special energy from. This feels heavy and strange to me now.. I persist this City more and more as stressy with a cold atmosphere, also very dirty. And on the other hand many people who settled down in Berlin the last years fullfill a certain way of living, a strange optimized life style. I feel surrounded by a certain coolness and superficiality what is absolutly the opposite to this authenticity and pureness what has drawn me to this place.
Actually I find many things boring and often things feel so "made" to me, don't know if someone can follow..haha. And I know already some people roll their eyes now and think, hell ya, then just leave us!
I never expect this would happen. One could say I get old, haha, but I don't have the feeling that this is the point. I know how it is to feel old. I was at this point at the end of my thirties when my son was a small kid and when I quit all my music actions in a very rigid way and with a lot of grudge inside. I felt like a shell in that time and was empty and in a 100% functional state. In that time I felt old and grey. Guess I had a depression.
But I have recovered from that totally, actually my present feeling of live is like before my motherhood started. Only with more life experiences, hopefully..
No, the point is, that I was digging so deep the last years..inside myself and around myself, to find out what feels coherent and consistent to me. And during that process some things changed inside.
I had always this feeling inside myself not belonging somewhere - my whole life. A deep pain, what I was feeling physically very often. Lost. And I used to fill this lack and pain with my identity of living in Berlin I guess. Like so many here, with this a bit narcisstic attitude, as if you are something special only because you living in Berlin. What kind of bullshit!
This feels so stupid to me but can't blame nobody cause I was like this also I guess, especially when I came here in 2001.
Now, I am just who I am, whereever I am, I am the same person. If I am mixing music and chatting with other music nerds about it, if I am with my son or I am the teacher in front of my students - I am the same person with the same values. I feel very ok with that now. And sorry to say that, I see more and more, that people aren't authentic, with a fake identity. Or even toxic behavior, saying this and that but acting totally different. Smile in your face and talking behind your back. So please, if you don't like me, don't smile at me. I don't do this either. Something what I never did. My smile is and was always honest.... I repeat, I don't want to blame anybody. We are all humans. Unperfect and full of mistakes.
But actually I am longing more for people who live their life from which they are considered of. With this take it, leave it or change it mentality. Without complaining and blaming. Who take responsibility for themselves.
I know this is not easy. You have to be brave and reflected for it. And loyal to yourself. What is not egoistic, it's to come into your potentials where you can do the best things in live. But honest and consistent. . I guess, I always had this no compromise attitude, with a bit rebellion flavour and also expected this from others. I wasn't able to betray myself. And I can feel when someone is not happy and doesn't live the life he/she wants.
when I was young I had to stand circumstances what wasn't good for me at all, and as I know myself now, I don't wonder, that my body and mind was dissociated all the time from so many feelings. It was like I was running away from myself..by running away from feeling alive... That's why I can't remember so many things and was feeling numb very often in that time. I worked these things out. It took me decades and much practice in many ways. And now there's no way back anymore. If things don't feel right I am not able to do them. But if I am considered, nothing can stop me and you can count on me 100%. But I'm not an easy living person. not at all.
People who I feel a deep connection to are the ones who tell what they think and stand for their integrity. But very rare those ones. I am very happy that in my school (I educate adults in social work) I'm working together with that type of mankind, I'm very glad for that. And that's why this place is very special to me. And the fact this is in Neukölln is not important. Maybe only for the different kind of people who are studying here, and maybe also learn a bit about themselves in that time while we are guiding them. It's my foundation for all the other things I can do. Doing music for example. At my quiet place soon after settled here fully with my equipment. So things could be worse. I am greatful for that. Feeling blessed.
Further new enviroments in sight
Seems so 2024 has many new developments in stock for me..
I'm still surprised with how much ease it came to me. Doors opened without knocking on them again.. it happened without any strengh in a very natural way and one thing lead to the other. It shows me again that we should not have a concrete goal in mind with a concrete picture, how things have to be in future. Because mostly our personal opinion is limited what kind of possebilities we have and what could be our reality in future..
I guess, it is more about to feel if an opportunity or idea feels right and gives a certain kind of energy and passionate feeling...this is the magic what we should focus our attention on...when things come and stay easily...like it's the right time at the right place. This can't be valued enough and can give a flow state and a feeling of guidance. I made MLD No. 31 when those latest developments started to proceed.
In November 2023 it came into my mind, how it would be to spend time regularly at a place outside of Berlin surrounded by water and green fields. Because I had the strong feeling, that I have to reduce the influences from external stimulations, which overwhelms me regularly since a certain time. It corresponds also with my decision to withdraw myself from permanent action on social media.
So it took less than 2 month for a place to happen to me near Berlin, which I will set up according to my needs to create a combination of living area, meditation space and a studio for arts and music production. So while I will keep one room in my old flat to step into the wellknown urban jungle if I feel like, I wanna spend my freetime during weekends and holidays at this new place, sourrounded by river, bicycle highways and green fields. Life is magic!
So I'm looking forward stepping in a more analog life again. Related to this is the idea, or rather the concept, of reducing the choices available to me. This feels very good to me, because I come more to myself. It's like a mental release. And here in this new sourrounding the options are reduced very strictly what also means many decisions I have to make in my all day live so far are obsolete and unnecessary here. What a relief! I am considered, it's gonna boost my creative process in future because I will have much more energy when I am here...available for the things that are important to me..
And I'm longing for it, because it's mainly the music production that I haven't been able to implement yet, as it's floating around in my head. And it is also like a mirrow in that way, that I have these thousands of options while working with my DAW - and what is exactly the obstacle which prevents me to come in a flow state in which I can dive in the present moment like I do it when I create my DJ mixes for my Moments Of Light 'n Darkness podcasts on my SoundCloud Channel. So this is my goal what I wanna reach: to be able to create tracks in a flow state while controlling mostly all these parameters which leads to certain effects, while still leaving enough room for unforeseen coincidences and creative slip-ups.
Hospitality
It turns out, that my platform becomes a space for guestmixes now. This month in December 2023 there are even two successively. And I would say, it started without any force because actually it wasn’t something I had in my mind and I did not expect, it would ever come to a point where this would be possible.
For me this is another example what happens if you just follow the process of something and how it flows. Just being open minded for the things and people who appear and relate to you and your things - without being too focused on what shall happen in future. Because, and I realised this many times in the last years, mostly our pictures what shall happen and what we have in mind, could be good for us – all these thoughts and imaginations are truly limited. Compared to everything that is possible in life.
I am aware that my family background in particular has contributed to me not being able to imagine certain positive things that are possible for me. And I'm still working every day to change this. Unfortunately, my impressions contain a lot of mistrust - and I often expect negative things for which there was or is actually no reason.
This type of attitude can have a very negative impact on openness towards other people. And I noticed again and again that hospitality wasn't very strong where I grew up, simply because we basically never had guests present. So I wasn’t used to that at all. We lived more like we lived in a kind of castle with thick walls around us. However, I was only able to fully understand this when I had other experiences, places where it was natural for a lot of people to come and go.
Today I would say that a culture is highly developed to the extent that its hospitality is pronounced.
Fortunately, this strong influence had a counterpoint. By chance, when I was 16, I met kids of the same age who I was primarily attracted to by the music they listened to. I quickly became part of this clique. And what was lived here was a great openness and tolerance towards other cultures peppered with a somewhat anarchic punk attitude.
I am aware that today, in my 52nd year, I constantly oscillate back and forth between these two poles: between castle walls and the feeling of connection.
I'm pleased that I can say today that guests feel comfortable with me - if they manage to get through to me.
Digital Detox
I decited to take a pause from social media for an indefinite period of time. This was my last post in my feed on Instagram and Facebook from yesterday ( Dec 1st 2023 ):
Since a certain time I have the feeling that some things come to an end now and I should withdraw my attention from certain affairs…maybe because others in the background need more attention in future.
Capacities are limited….something what I always had to note for myself to prevent of getting lost totally.
I guess, I’ve said enough now here on my socials - as an almost unknown personallity - because too often I see myself scrolling on my mobile in a paralized way, sometimes exited, sometimes angry or even confused because of all this information that flows into me and from which I can hardly detach and differentiate myself… the idea of just carrying on like this in future doesn't feel good to me at all.
(What also fits to a book what I am reading since a certain time from Stephan Kunze,„Zen Style“ . I can recommend it very much - by the way difficult for me to read a book in the moment , something that used to be completely different…So it can't go on like this anymore.)
Of couse I am thankfull for all my heartfelt connections what raised my energy and self-confidence during the last years. I know, the real ones don't rely on social media to be and stay connected with me… what you can do via my SoundCloud Channel and ..(
tada!!...) also direct via my new webside (www.sai-mld-music.com) , if you want…to stay informed about my activism, reach out for a guest mix request or maybe, who knows, even a live set from myself (if it would be during daytime or early evening, hahaha)
I appreciate you all.
Thank you
Sai
And this is how the story went on, haha:
(my post in my feed on insta from 29th Dec 2023)
I'm still struggling with social media. But came to the conclusion, that it also makes no sense to disconnect completly and don't keep my feed updated with the recent uploads. Because so many good things happened in the meantime and are on the way. So no need to hide this. ....
There has to be something inbetween total disconnection and overflow and too much useless scrolling. I want to find a more conscious way to deal with insta&co. Maybe I'm oversharing but I'm sure many others are asking themselves similar questions: how to stay productive and get rid of destructive patterns through social media. And I know my week points very well. In the moment I am studying this addictive impact what it has on me. Especially what this like button causes....even I always tried to ignore it.. Found the books from Cal Newport about digital minimalism and deep work, what I find really helpful.
...nuff proclaimed, I will show and update now what happened on my SoundCloud since my last post....
Moments Of Light 'n Darkness - BLOG
After withdraw myself from social media I had the idea to build this webside to give an overview about my artistic work at one place. And as I know myself I expect, sometimes I want to share my thoughts about certain things with those who want to know... like I did it on insta and fb too often. ✨ That's the idea of this blog.